Procrastination is my friend…unless, of course, I have to pee. Or eat.
The thing is, I’ve been avoiding the blog. Like an algebra word problem involving trains that will eventually crash into each other. It’s not that I haven’t been inspired to write, I just keep running into my silly expectations and, well, they are driving me bananas. Plus, my personal life is angst-filled. Have you ever wanted to blog, but it included other people who might read your blog, and then they would either be hurt or want to have a very awkward conversation? Yeah, sometimes there’s information we can’t always discuss. Inner life vs. Outer life = me hiding. Yes, I really hate confrontation THAT much.
So, self-expectations, is it? Yes, it seems that my soap opera continues to revert to my 20-something self wondering how in the world did I aim for normal and miss so badly. Somehow I thought having a steady teaching job would be utopia, then I just wanted a steady job, and at some point I just wanted a job. Now I just want a full-time job. I try very hard not to tell that 20-ish me about settling, and how the economy affects the job market, and sometimes we choose to pay the bills instead of waiting endlessly for the perfect job, since it most likely doesn’t exist. Being disappointed in oneself is an emotion that rarely benefits anyone, I don’t recommend dipping into that pool, but sometimes we find ourselves there anyway.
I’m in a snarky mood these days, dripping with irony and sarcasm. The kind of mood that provides an instant of laughter for some, but sends others running for the hills. I know I usually spout about hope and God, I haven’t forgotten those things. Sometimes, honesty is better than dressing up a bad attitude. We can’t always be happy all the time, right? In fact, I’ve read the New Testament many times and it seems that several times Paul is mad because some groups of people are co-dependent on him. Other times, Jesus seems to be rolling his eyes either at his disciples for their lack of comprehension or the religious leaders for their rigidity. I’m not saying having a bad attitude is Biblical. Jonah is a great example of snarkiness gone a muck.
And so I digress. Perhaps tomorrow I will find myself to be cheerful, positive, and inspiringly uplifting.