A Wall of Fear

actually it’s the wall in my office

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear. ~ Gandhi


This is the wall that I have hit, ok maybe not actually hit. It’s a symbol, a metaphor, oh geez, just think back to, like, your sophomore literature class. [Notice : the wall in this picture has not been physically punished].

ANYway, the saga continues. Both teaching positions have been filled. Options have been eliminated, which I should actually be happy about because I like closure. But I seem to be dwelling in the land of disillusionment–I’m sad, maybe even disappointed, and I have no idea why. I guess I just miss teaching. A lot. You have no idea how badly I would love to take those 2 maternity positions teaching social studies (what? I didn’t say that before? Probably because I didn’t get that call till after my last post), but it’s practically a substitute teacher position that doesn’t last more than 12 wks total, and it doesn’t guarantee anything on future employment.

And so I am back to the world of looking for full time work. I sort of like doing the part time thing, but it pay pennies in comparison with full time. I’ve had a few interview that leave me feeling a lot of uncertainty.

Welcome to limbo.

In the middle of this I recognize that my biggest enemy is fear. I’m afraid I won’t ever teach again. I’m afraid of not getting a full time job because employment is down. I’m afraid of a lot of things that involve family and relationships.

Wow, I’m a scaredy cat.

And much of this has to do with control and the lack thereof. The things I fear the most are those I have no control over.

Which is probably why I despise the phrase “let go and let God”. It just sounds so wussyfied and pathetic. Like if I just stop, God will do something. Instead (and this is completely sad), I relate to the few minutes of “Sex & the City” I caught yesterday where one of the characters and her husband (?) were filling out paperwork to adopt a child. She explained it that she trusted God to do the supernatural, but they should still do the natural.

This is something I’ve been telling my husband for some time (and trying to convince myself as well)–Do what you can do to the point where you can’t, then let God do what He can do. 

But it’s still hard.

Again, I have to remind myself that this is why patience is a virtue. This is me being refined, just not with a smile on my face. Maybe that will come later.

I suppose it comes all down to the fact that God’s not finished with me yet. That, sweet friends, gives me some joy.

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