Signs of the Times…the saga of a control freak

 

I have no idea if my need to plan is a part of my nature or because I worry I could forget something. Someone once told me that planning is a direct result of being a parent. No denial there. Wrapping my head around 4 people who live relatively active lives is mind-boggling.  But long ago, I became fascinated with calendars and scheduling. In high school, I became a list-maker–lists of errands to do, things to buy, calls to make, etc. I wanted to perfect it, so I got to the point where I would order the errands in the best possible way so that I wouldn’t back track. Who does that at 17?

Now I am set in my ways. My husband makes fun of my compulsive list-making, but he knows well that if I don’t, someone will forget 1/2 their clothes when we go on a trip or we’ll forget to buy the toilet paper when we go to the store. Lists have their advantages.

So set in my ways that I’m going bonkers over the past days. I haven’t had to live on the fly for a decade or so and I’m pretty sure I like it that way. How did I come to abhor change?–beats me. But I especially don’t like it when I have zero control. So yesterday, I spent most the entire day on pins and needles about the call I’d get from the school. I even called the school–nothing. Instead, I got every other call–from the political campaign I’m helping with to the adjuster examining the roof.

Then I got another call. Another school. What? Is it Christmas?

Now I have another interview for tomorrow.

I should be excited, and a part of me is, but I dread getting my hopes up again.

So I called school #1 today–they are actually interviewing more people. They’ll make a decision as soon as they can.

Oy.

The crazy part–the, like, “totally” suicidal part? I may not know about either job til Monday. When does school start?

MONDAY.

Seriously?

You cannot imagine how crazy this whole thing is making me. I have a dozen or so scenarios of how next week is going to go. A friend once told me that my biggest problem is that I’m “too” in my head. Like I play chess with my situations, trying to think 5 moves ahead.

You betcha. 🙂

To be totally truthful, I don’t know what to think about any of this. The human side of me falls into this rut called control-freak me and cannot handle the possibilities that any of this is beyond my control. The other side is trying very hard to rest in the fact that if I had my way, I would screw it up, so let God handle this for me. So hard to be in the world and not of the world.

Back to waiting, trying not to glance at the clock every 5 minutes. Back to absorbing myself in whatever task in before me so I don’t drive myself bananas.

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